It seems as if I'm going through many changes in my life...deep core changes that rock the soul. Throughout these storm surges is this uncomfortable feeling of not knowing how it's all going to turn out, not even one moment to the next. The "not knowing" became the subject for this post by sheer default.
I'm reminded of a passage from the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron;
When everything falls apart and we feel uncertainty, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, what's left is a mind that is clear, unbiased, and fresh. But we don't see that. Instead, we feel the queasiness and uncertainty of being in no-man's-land and enlarge the feeling and march it down the street with banners that proclaim how bad everything is. We knock on every door asking people to sign petitions until there is a whole army of people who agree with us that everything is wrong. We forget what we've learned through meditation and know to be true.
Emotions are part of our goodness of being alive but all too often we take and use them to regain our footing. We use them to regain security, predictability, and get things "real" again. We are at choice (where have I heard that before?!) and can choose to just sit with the emotional energy and let it pass. This is what I've been attempting to do all weekend. I went no where but instead sat at home pretty much alone. I felt the emotions like waves, some small and others seemingly overwhelming. It felt like standing on the ocean shore trying to maintain my footing as the waves crashed repeatedly. Sometimes I was knocked down but I got up again each time. I'm still here so I guess I've been successful thus far. I'm attempting to see the process as not an obstacle by observing it and making an effort to soften toward myself, to not beat myself up. I want to develop compassion for myself and in turn be more compassionate to others. This turns the sword of uncomfortable emotion into a flower. I think for me this is one of the biggest lessons.
Too often we all get complacent when we feel things are "good". Our job is great, our relationship strong and fulfilling, we are having a great hair day, etc. We seek this "perfection" which in itself is okay but we allow ourselves to forget that change happens or we vainly try to guard against it. We set ourselves up for failure because eventually we will have an experience we can't control: someone we love will die, our car may be stolen, we may lose our 401k, we may be diagnosed with a life threatening disease, etc. Sometimes the change rocks our security and we are left facing uncomfortable emotions to varying degrees. To be fully alive is to be continually "thrown out of the nest". We will have plateaus of respite and we are called not to take these for granted but to fully enjoy them. Be just as present in the good times as the challenging ones. Experience each moment as completely new and fresh no matter how it feels. To live fully is to be willing to "die" over and over again. Death is the desire to hold onto what one has and have every experience confirm, congratulate, and make one's self feel completely together. We want to be perfect but we keep seeing our imperfections. We can choose to make peace with the imperfections. By peace, I don't mean to not change them if that's our desire. We can make peace and still change them if we feel they are an obstacle to our spiritual growth. I believe attempting to run away is never the answer to being a fully human being. Running away from the immediacy of our experience is like preferring death to life.
So if you are facing uncomfortable emotions I invite you to not run from them or go into avoidance behavior mode but instead sit with them and observe how you feel. It may feel like waves. Be kind to yourself during the process. The more you are able to do this the less the emotions will control you. Pick up that heavy back breaking sword and turn it into "flower power"!
Here's a beautiful song by Secret Garden called "Prayer" that I enjoy listening to especially in challenging times.
Working through it myself,
Stephen
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