I've been thinking a lot about the title of this post. I've not posted anything on my blog since November of last year. I've had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. Lately though I've been looking within to see why I love the people I do, specifically in regards to affairs of the heart.
I've seen many times where people consistently fall in love with others that possess strengths that they don't. The relationship has a sort of balance. For example, I'm a procrastinator so it would make sense if I fell for someone who is a doer, is easily motivated, and has no problem taking initiative. I'm definitely not a "Type A" personality so it would make sense if I fell for someone who was. Alas, this would be all too easy if it were true for me. No, my a-ha revealed something much more insidious and deeply entrenched. Here's what I discovered about me. I fall for a person who is unavailable to me emotionally. It may be because they are still dealing with the remnants of a previous relationship, or they don't love themselves enough, or....fill in the blank. The theme runs deep. So, I asked myself why do I do this. What came through to me like a lightening bolt was I don't feel worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. My theme is if only they would come around around and love me back then I will know I'm worthy. I choose the very people that mirror that for me.
How's this working for me you might be asking. Not well, not at all. It's lonely and frustrating. It often feels like riding a rollercoaster that never ends....hell, there aren't even barf bags or kleenex provided when the going gets really tough! The video below illustrates it quite nicely.
I often wonder what I would do if the person I'm trying to prove my worth to would do an about face and say "Yes, I love you and want to be with you". I actually think I would piss myself out of shear fear. I'd be like a deer in the headlights, completely frozen. All my safety zone would be gone....My God, they would see that I'm really not worthy...a real piece of work! There's also a large part of me that is still the little Army brat of a boy who moved all the time. My life was always being uprooted and I had to find a way to be ok in all the chaos. What has happened is that I have a feeling right under the surface that expects the "other shoe to drop". If things are good then it's only a matter of time before they're not. I will be "uprooted". Specifically, as it relates to love, my heart will be broken and I will fall into the depths of despair until I can find another "flawed" person to love leading me to the worthiness I'm longing for. Yeah, I'm definitely a "piece of work".
Here's a song by Sarah Bareilles called "Gravity". I listen to this song a lot. My disclaimer regarding the lyrics would be that I know I'm at choice and no one "makes" me anything.
So, while it seems as though I'm beating myself up in this post I'm actually just coming to terms with my deeper Truth. My Truth is that I am Whole, Healthy, and Complete. I deserve the same in someone else if that is what I desire. I commit to not beating myself up, knowing that on this plane of existence I am a work in progress. I need to give myself that same love and patience that I so readily give to those that I fall in love with. I'm willing for more Joy and less pain. I'm also reminded of all the great friends in my life and recommitting to my spiritual practice.
With a new resurrection of Self,
Stephen
