I haven't posted anything on this blog for almost 2 months to the day. During that time I've been taking a conscious inventory of the relationships in my life. My primary focus has been on my relationships of the romantic kind but I soon saw similarities in those of the platonic kind as well.
For me, the primary theme throughout my investigation is that of self-worth. The question has boiled down to "What do I think I deserve in a relationship?" I have known that I struggle with issues of self-worth so this wasn't exactly a revelation. What was surprising though was how prevalent, consistent, and deep that runs in all my relationships whether they are platonic or romantic in nature. Upon talking with people that stay in dysfunctional relationships, I have found that it has boiled down to a "mental equivalent" of what one thinks they deserve...what kind of relationship...what does it look like and feel like. Is the mental equivalent fulfilling? Does it build you up? Do you feel supported, encouraged to be the best person you are ready to be, honored, cared for, and loved? Do you feel balance in the relationship? I realized I have stayed in friendships and "love"ships when they have not had much if any of the qualities aforementioned. At the end of the day, no one held a gun to my head to force me to stay in them. I stayed because just below the surface it felt safe to stay in something I knew versus being by myself, alone with my feelings. The feelings consist of worthiness at it's core. My mental equivalent did not support my desires of a relationship with another where I felt supported, encouraged, honored, cared for, and truly loved. I realized that until I could get my mental equivalent in line with my intention of a relationship then I was forever going to miss the mark. I may be fooled sometimes at getting closer to it but that's it.
So, my mental equivalent in a relationship is one of passion, mutual respect, encouragement, support, mutual attraction, a healthy physical connection, mutual growth, healthy communication, caring, and deep love for each other. I imagine myself as a tall, solid tree. I am standing next to another tall, solid tree. Our branches intertwine with each other and all sorts of life is supported by our interconnection. What is key is that we stand strong on our own and don't need each other to continue to exist. Our individual roots go deep and are fully formed. Our beauty is fully expressed individually. Our connection supports the higher good for both. Neither robs the other of their dignity or ever contributes to either feeling less. All feel blessed in our presence.
I find experiences that support the feelings of the qualities I listed above so that I can feel it as I imagine my mental equivalent. I commit to taking a stand for what I desire and to prune that which does support my desire. I let go and let God. I know that I can reach out to people in my spiritual community to help me hold my intention. One of the things I've found to be most helpful is to be mindful to include myself around people that support my intention and to be selective about whom I share it with (ok..so this blog post kind of blew THAT out of the water!). Specifically, I don't want to surround myself around naysayers or those that are still on their path of negating any relationships based on their own experiences.
I am committed to reminding myself to be the qualities that I'm looking for in another, "be that which you desire". I remind myself that I have everything I need to attract that which I desire. My work on myself is to bring that which IS to the surface...to my consciousness. I need to believe first!
Here's a beautiful song called "The Promise" by one of my favorite groups; Secret Garden. The video features some awesome sunsets. Sunsets always get me in a powerfully reflective space. I especially love the first couple scenes of two separate trees. I see myself as one of these trees and knowing that there is another holding the same "mental equivalent" as me. The "promise" is that this is answered.
I invite you to look at your relationships especially if you know in your heart that they are not fulfilling. Perhaps they have taught you all need to know from them and it's time to create space for something new.
I bless everyone on their journey. May yours be one of Ease, Grace, and Abundance.
In Loving Kindness,
Stephen
