Letting Go To Make Space

Yesterday I made the decision to let go of someone in my life. I did not make this decision lightly. It's taken me quite a while to muster up the courage. I dearly love this person but the situation has not been a healthy one for me. I've allowed whatever our relationship has been to affect my self-worth. It has affected other areas of my life as well. I've realized this for quite a while. My friends and family have told me to move on and logically it has made sense. Hell, I would have given them the same advice but I needed to make the decision on my own time. I've known that this person can't give me what I desire and even that which was given had been taken away recently. I'm reminded that my Higher Good has had no place to show up in my life because my focus has been on this person. I have felt stuck and have known that only I can make the change. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I feel so deeply connected to this person but it's been too big of a price to for me to pay. I am hopeful that I can save the friendship once I've given myself time to heal.

I think we all have had some sort of situation, be it a person or a job, etc wherein we knew it wasn't good for us but we stayed. We stayed because there was a certain familiarity, a consistency if you will. We may have imagined leaving the situation but then we got scared. It's like the metaphor of the groundhog seeing it's shadow. Will it be frightened by it and crawl back into the comfort of the dark or step out fearlessly into the light, bright unknown? By the way, my birthday is on Groundhog's Day....go figure!

To be completely honest, I'm sitting with thoughts of regret and wondering if I was too rash. This is the time I call my support system of family and friends. These are the people that can truly see and hold the Highest Good for me. They remind me what a brave thing I've done and how much strength of character and courage it takes. I know that I'm demonstrating to the Universe that I will no longer accept less. I feel a bit like I'm finally "getting with the program". The challenge for me now is not to dwell on remorse. I know I will miss this person in my life but that's okay. It just reminds me how much I allow myself to feel and I think that's a good thing. I'm ready to be "unstuck"!

Here is a poem by Rumi that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling sorrow. It reminds me of the power of Joy:

I saw Sorrow
holding a cup of pain.
I said, hey sorrow,
sorry to see you this way.
What's troubling you?
What's with the cup?
Sorrow said,
what else can I do?
All this Joy that you have brought to the world has killed my business completely.

Here is a video of the uber-talented Margaret Owens wherein she sings a song about letting go after a short skit and a song at the 5:21 minute mark under the "Epilogue". The epilogue song has a wonderful line in it that jolts me wide awake. The line is "the moment you serve your own heart is the moment you are free". Thank you Margaret!



So, I invite you to look at anything, large or small, that might be holding you back from your Greater Good yet to be. It's kind of like taking inventory except that there's no "right" count one has to arrive at. If you find something or have known that there's something then I support you 110% in your process of letting go. It doesn't matter that I may have never met you. I can hold the intention of the highest and best for anyone. I know how I feel right now and my empathy runs deep!

Blessing myself and all around me,
Stephen

Making Peace With The "Not Knowing"

It seems as if I'm going through many changes in my life...deep core changes that rock the soul. Throughout these storm surges is this uncomfortable feeling of not knowing how it's all going to turn out, not even one moment to the next. The "not knowing" became the subject for this post by sheer default.

I'm reminded of a passage from the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron;
When everything falls apart and we feel uncertainty, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, what's left is a mind that is clear, unbiased, and fresh. But we don't see that. Instead, we feel the queasiness and uncertainty of being in no-man's-land and enlarge the feeling and march it down the street with banners that proclaim how bad everything is. We knock on every door asking people to sign petitions until there is a whole army of people who agree with us that everything is wrong. We forget what we've learned through meditation and know to be true.

Emotions are part of our goodness of being alive but all too often we take and use them to regain our footing. We use them to regain security, predictability, and get things "real" again. We are at choice (where have I heard that before?!) and can choose to just sit with the emotional energy and let it pass. This is what I've been attempting to do all weekend. I went no where but instead sat at home pretty much alone. I felt the emotions like waves, some small and others seemingly overwhelming. It felt like standing on the ocean shore trying to maintain my footing as the waves crashed repeatedly. Sometimes I was knocked down but I got up again each time. I'm still here so I guess I've been successful thus far. I'm attempting to see the process as not an obstacle by observing it and making an effort to soften toward myself, to not beat myself up. I want to develop compassion for myself and in turn be more compassionate to others. This turns the sword of uncomfortable emotion into a flower. I think for me this is one of the biggest lessons.

Too often we all get complacent when we feel things are "good". Our job is great, our relationship strong and fulfilling, we are having a great hair day, etc. We seek this "perfection" which in itself is okay but we allow ourselves to forget that change happens or we vainly try to guard against it. We set ourselves up for failure because eventually we will have an experience we can't control: someone we love will die, our car may be stolen, we may lose our 401k, we may be diagnosed with a life threatening disease, etc. Sometimes the change rocks our security and we are left facing uncomfortable emotions to varying degrees. To be fully alive is to be continually "thrown out of the nest". We will have plateaus of respite and we are called not to take these for granted but to fully enjoy them. Be just as present in the good times as the challenging ones. Experience each moment as completely new and fresh no matter how it feels. To live fully is to be willing to "die" over and over again. Death is the desire to hold onto what one has and have every experience confirm, congratulate, and make one's self feel completely together. We want to be perfect but we keep seeing our imperfections. We can choose to make peace with the imperfections. By peace, I don't mean to not change them if that's our desire. We can make peace and still change them if we feel they are an obstacle to our spiritual growth. I believe attempting to run away is never the answer to being a fully human being. Running away from the immediacy of our experience is like preferring death to life.

So if you are facing uncomfortable emotions I invite you to not run from them or go into avoidance behavior mode but instead sit with them and observe how you feel. It may feel like waves. Be kind to yourself during the process. The more you are able to do this the less the emotions will control you. Pick up that heavy back breaking sword and turn it into "flower power"!

Here's a beautiful song by Secret Garden called "Prayer" that I enjoy listening to especially in challenging times.



Working through it myself,
Stephen

Making Room For My Greater Good

This post kind of piggybacks onto the post from yesterday, "Cleaning House". I think sometimes we can be so tied to an idea of what our Greater Good should look like that we become an obstacle for it to show up in our lives. Notice I said "what we think it should look like" and not what our Greater Good is. We can know what our Greater Good is but when we are so tied to a job, the place we live in, friends, lovers, etc. we think that these connections are it. We sense that things don't feel right but we stick it out anyhow, over and over again. Somehow we think that will change the situation. If we just hang in there, we will be happy and we will have that Joy in our lives more consistently. I believe what is actually happening is that we are telling the Universe that we are ok with the way things are. We experience it as being "stuck" or spinning our wheels and hoping if we just keep our foot on the gas pedal in the same ole car that we will eventually get the traction to propel us into all that we desire. In actuality we just get more mired down, frustrated, sad, and angry that we didn't even get that damned martyr award!

Here's a video of one my favorite singer/songwriters, Elton John performing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me". I sing the hell out of this song...it's my signature karaoke song, LOL! I love the lyrics and they really speak to where I'm at on my journey in this moment of time.



I know that it takes courage to make changes in our lives especially when it involves feelings of love. When you feel you have a connection with someone that runs deep it can pull up all sorts of things to look at in one's self especially if it isn't a healthy situation. That is the opportunity presented. I know I continue to have a lot of opportunities in my life for self evaluation! So much so that I have coined the abbreviation: AFGO which cleverly stands for "Another F*cking Growth Opportunity", as a side note you can choose to substitute "Friggin" if that works better for you. I believe an outgrowth of this opportunity is to reach out to people that can support us in our prayers and intentions. Call in your prayer posse! Deputize them in the name of your Good! I believe there is power in numbers when it comes to praying and intending. I've seen the results and the speed in which it happens when my sangha has prayed for me.

So I invite you to reach out for support from the people you trust. If you feel that those people don't exist in your life then call a prayer line. I find that people naturally want to help others. It's a winning combination of you receiving support and others feeling good about themselves that they can make a difference. As you feel momentum in your life allow yourself to be available to others in support. It's a beautiful dance of humanity to be a part of and to witness!

Looking for my dancin' shoes,
Stephen

Cleaning "House"

I've been told that when one feels stuck a beneficial activity to do is to clean the house. Git rid of clutter, go through the closets, clean under the bed, vacuum, dust, throw the dead plants out, etc. It's a very feng shui thing to do. The energy in your home is able to flow easily again. Maybe that's why so many of us do a "spring cleaning" after the long winter of going "within". I'm reminded that "house" is also another word for consciousness. So, I've been looking at what is in my consciousness that is contributing to me feeling stuck. I find that I don't have a problem in naming the obstacles (hallelujah for that!) but my challenge is doing something about them, specifically cutting people and things lose from my life that aren't serving me anymore. It's especially difficult for me to let go of people that I care about and have feelings for, all the while knowing they can not give me what I desire and are probably a bit selfish getting what they need from me. Of course, I'm at choice and I'm allowing it so I don't want to come across in this post as if I'm blaming. There's obviously something I'm getting from them but I'm realizing now that the price is far too big to pay. Often it sucks the Joy right out of me leaving me hollow, sad, and lonely. This is not my natural state and not the way I want to live.

Ok...speaking of Joy, it's time for a humor break! Here's a fun, campy video called "Queen of The House" by Jody Miller.



I apologize for this post being so short and the overall tone but I'm literally in the middle of fear and frustration. I'm going toe-to-toe with God knowing something must change. My self worth is kickin' my butt right now. I feel caged and trapped with my emotions. I know it's necessary to sit with it but it's rough. I think some meditation time is in order and some prayer support.

Thanks so much to everyone who is reading my blog. I hope it helps to read it. I know it's beneficial for me to read my own words.

Here's the original version of "You Raise Me" Up by Secret Garden. I often take solace from this song knowing that everyone I encounter has the potential to raise me up to not more, but all I can be and I them.



Sitting in the storm and remembering this too shall pass,
Stephen

It's All About The Journey

I was thinking about this today as I was having a conversation with someone about their upcoming trip to Peru in the fall. We were specifically discussing the actual hike up to Machu Picchu. I began to have a vision of the actual hike. The full thought was it's all about the journey and not necessarily the destination. I expanded the thought to include things I have looked forward to in my life. I remember my grandmother trying to teach me this lesson when I was either seven or eight years old. I had been saving up my allowance from her to buy a little fold-out city for my matchbox cars. She was attempting to get me to enjoy the process of saving, the "journey" if you will. I think she was somewhat concerned that I was building up my excitement to the point where nothing would quite match it. I remember being excited right after I purchased it but then it wore off pretty quickly and I felt empty. I didn't know it then but my grandmother was spot-on. I now know I was missing the journey of working and saving for something. The "destination" could be a trip, a relationship, a new purchase, a job, etc. I think sometimes when we focus too much on the destination we inadvertently become a breeding ground for expectations. These expectations are often not met and we experience disappointment. The disappointment robs us from the full enjoyment of the destination. It feels anti-climatic, like it doesn't quite measure up. It's much like the dreams I've had while I was sleeping where I don't ever find the person or the place I'm looking for. I have glimpses and get very close but no cigar! For the record, I really dislike those dreams! If we focus more on the journey then we are placing ourselves in position to be present in the moment. You can't be present in the moment if you are focusing on the future (or past) at the same time. You actually miss out on the whole enchilada! I believe if we do too much of this then we are ripe to become jaded or cynical. That's a by-product that no "healthy" person wants to be around. We then become even more cynical and jaded. Especially if what we are desiring is a relationship. We began to have doubt that we will ever be happy. You can see how this can become quite the downward spiral.

I love the next song and video by Secret Garden. I see the man as one facet of me so focused on what he's looking for (the destination) and the peaceful, graceful woman as the other facet enjoying the journey, being present in every moment. Eventually the man becomes more present. I see this as a melding of my two facets.



There is another thing that I have to guard for even after I adjust my focus to my journey. That "thing" is comparing myself to others, specifically where I'm at on my journey. It's so easy for me to fall into that trap, especially around birthdays or New Years. When this happens I purposefully focus on being happy for the person or people I've begun to compare myself too. The comparison robs me of my Joy but being mindfully happy for someone else's happiness eventually brings the Joy back around to me. I was reminded of this today while I attended the 11am service at the Center For Spiritual Living in Seattle. Thank you Dr. Reverend Kathianne Lewis!. I haven't always been as successful as I've wanted to be but I practice at it nevertheless. I sense I'm getting better though. I find it helps to liberally sprinkle a healthy dose of "blessing" on it. Truthfully, when I'm stuck I bless the hell outta whatever/whomever it is that's got me stuck. A very wise and dear friend of mine gave me that pearl and she was right, it works!

I invite you to pay attention to your journey in the day(s) to come. Try one day at a time and check in with yourself. Before you know it you will have reached whatever destination you had intended but will be so much richer for having been present to the journey. I'm recommitting to paying attention to my journey daily.

Blessings on your travels,
Stephen

The Importance of Family

First off I want to state my belief that "family" is not just biological. Family can come in all forms. I have many friends that have created their own family whether it be because they are estranged from the biological relatives, there are no living relatives, they are adopted, or they just chose to expand their "family" regardless of a "blood" connection. I have an extended family of individuals I have known as a group since 2004. We meet in our "sangha" two times a month. We share what is going on with each other and ask for prayer support if we feel we need it. It is a sacred and comfortable environment. I am also close to my immediate family consisting of my mother, father, and sister. I am in contact with my uncle and aunt, cousins, nieces, and nephews. The wonderful thing about my sangha is that it doesn't come along with years of biological family dynamics. Some of these dynamics can be guilt, expectations, duty, etc. Now, I must say that I have great parents that have supported me in many ways. They are human and have their issues like all of us. What I never cease to marvel at is how I can still at times get caught up in their dynamics. When this happens I head straight to about 15 years old, directly pass "Go" and there ain't no $200 to collect! I've seen it happen with my friends and their families too. I confess that I like it much better when it happens to them though! I like to quote Ram Das, a Jewish mystic who said something to the effect: "If you think you're spiritually evolved, spend a week with your family". I'm convinced that should be a bumper stick if it isn't already!

Here is video of my mom and dad at my cousins house Christmas Day 2006. It clearly demonstrates their dynamic. They were not aware I was filming even though I was blatantly obvious. It starts off awfully slow but wait for the end near the five minute mark...it's worth it! I titled it "Everybody Loves Raymond Xmas 2006".



I think there are times in our life where we connect with a person very deeply. It often times isn't a romantic thing (though it can be...God willing, LOL). We feel as if we've known them before and we often say "You feel like family to me". If both choose then a "family" is begun. Perhaps we meet some more folks where there is that mutual connection and then the family is extended. Often times the feelings of estrangement result in the creation of new families. I've seen this many times and it is powerful. Holidays can bring this about as well. I know many people that open their homes up to others during Thanksgiving and Christmas on a regular basis. My grandparents were like that 24/7, all year long. I had so many people that I swore were my relatives growing up because of it. My grandmother never met a stranger. She was/is a powerful influence on me.

A "family" can support us in times of struggle. They can teach us love, compassion, patience, creation of boundaries, integrity, commitment,forgiveness, etc. They remind us of our connection to each other as humans and that we are not alone. My sister and I are particularly close although we live half way across the country from each other. She has taught me so much and continues to do so even though I'm the older brother by five years. She has taught me the importance of stepping out in faith and living in integrity. My mom and dad have shown me unconditional love that has brought me to tears. I have a close friend who has reminded me the importance of family by the non-biological family he has created over the years. He has shown tremendous patience with me and my challenges. My sangha has shown me the Grace and the Patience I've come to accept. There are so many gifts from those I call family. And to think when I was growing up it was all about the Brady Bunch!



I invite you to look at whom you call family whether or not it is biological. Look at how they show up for you and you them. If you choose, surround yourself with those that truly support you and allow the guilt to take an unaccompanied journey, preferably a one-way trip. Pay attention to what shows up in your life. This blog post has reminded me to do the same and to give thanks.

Love from the Family Guy,
Stephen

Reconciling Change and The Desire For Consistency

I think many of us have a desire for consistency in our lives. It's obvious when times are good that we want it to continue, be consistently good. The rub is that change happens much like the bumper sticker "Shift Happens". One of the only things truly consistent is change. Change can knock us out of that consistently good pattern to where we feel confused, lost, angry, lonely, sad, etc. We may began to feel that things are consistently bad and we hurt. The key is realizing that we are at choice. It's our resistance to change that is causing the suffering. This is where the practice of non-attachment would be a valuable tool. I don't mean to suggest that consistency is an obstacle in our personal growth. Consistency with one's word and deeds is worthy and necessary goal for example. I do believe however, that our desire for consistency can sometimes cause us to resist change and we suffer.

I believe there is a sub-component to consistency that can contribute to us being "stuck" and that is familiarity. We can be in an unhealthy situation such as a relationship, a job, etc. We may be smart enough to recognize this and even realize that the best thing would be to step out of the toxicity. Our fear of what that next step might look or feel like causes us to take comfort by retreating back to the familiarity of the situation. We know what to expect because it's...wait for it...consistent!

The video by Margaret Owens illustrates change and ends with a powerful song about accepting a "New Day". Catch this amazing singer/actress/songwriter @ The Center of Spiritual Living in Seattle on Aug 30th.



I felt compelled to address the topics of change and consistency as I'm struggling with decisions myself. One thing that I'm remembering is to be kind to myself and not to adhere to anyone else's timetable or agenda no matter how much I may respect or care for them. I'm clear that asking for prayer support is an essential component in my path and as Margaret Owens reminds me in the preceding video that God (Universe, Spirit, etc) can only do for me what it can do through me. I commit to staying open for my Greater Good to manifest.

Sitting in the "not knowing",
Stephen

Seeing Clearly Though The Storm

An interesting thing has begun to happen in my life as a result of writing posts for my blog, "A Journey of Remembering". Major shifts have started and they are shaking me to the core. It's as if my blog posts have been a potent prayer treatment! I admit I would have not posted anything if I knew this would be happening. Thank God for ignorance is all I have to say!

On Friday, July 3rd I posted my personal declaration of independence. The first declaration had to do with relationships. No sooner had I written it when I got a call from someone special in my life that tested what I had posted. Since the call, I have been called by Spirit to make some difficult decisions which will allow me to ultimately be ready to step into my Higher Good. The Higher Good would be a healthy, mutually loving relationship, one where I don't have to guess how the other feels, one where I am completely gifted with the return of physical and emotional equivalents to what I am willing to give. Since Friday afternoon, it's been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes it's fine because I'm numbly coasting along and other times I'm in a heart wrenching free fall searching for a barf bag. This ride is in repetitious mode as it seems quite endless right now. Sorry for the next video but there will be no doubt that you get the point!



Yesterday I took myself to a good friend's 4th of July party on his boat. Once I got there I busied myself with some food preparation in lieu of having to talk about "how things are going". Guests started showing up and copious amounts of mango margaritas began to effortlessly flow with a healthy diversion ending up in my faux cocktail "glass" (read chic plastic ware). I was still pretty much "ok" emotionally. We all had a blast squirting super soakers at the Seattle "Ducks" tours (WW2 amphibious landing craft) full of tourists that seemed to cruise back and forth in an endless stream of noise and merry making. It was noticeably apparent we were having fun as we attracted some party people from other boats. One of these boat-hopping ladies and I began to talk and it was clear she was going through a tough time with a divorce. I realized that it was my gift to her and to myself to be present in all the noise and revelry and to really listen to her "story". I offered some words of wisdom (mind you...it was before too many libations had made a mark on me) about taking the time to visualize the next chapter of her life as she is in a powerful space. I described it much like a vacuum which is just waiting to be filled. You see, I believe the Universe abhors a vacuum (quantum physics 101) and will fill that space with whatever we create whether we are conscious of it or not. I invited her to be conscious, hence the visualization. Ok...so now I had at least become a new drinking buddy in her eyes, LOL! Seriously, there was a moment where I could see deeply into her soul and knew she "remembered". I thought about what a blessing the conversation was as I was reminding myself in the process. It's such a gift to be there for someone else, allowing the listener to step out of their own "stuff" for a while. Spirit can be very crafty at times. After the sun went down there was an awesome fireworks display over Lake Union. I took myself off the boat and sat on the dock to watch the show in the privacy of my own tears. You see, I began to view the fireworks as a metaphorically equivalent of my Greater Good yet to be. I was overcome with emotion...and I give "bad face" when I cry!

Today, I took myself to The Center For Spiritual Living in Seattle (CSL). I knew that my Spiritual posse was there. I arrived just before the first service was letting out. Immediately I was greeted with a loving friend who hugged me, listened to what I desired to have manifest in my life, and asked what he could "hold" for me in intention. Not too soon afterwards I was approached separately by a couple of wonderful ministers on staff who each bore witness to my challenge and were willing to hold that which I agreed would propel me to my Higher Good. I was reminded how loved I am and what a wonderous community I've surrounded myself with. I went to the 2nd service and had more love poured on me. Lo and behold the "talk" was about the Declaration of Independence and how that could show up in our own lives! It's as if the the Senior Minister had read my July 3rd blog even though I knew she hadn't! The music was also perfectly and divinely created through Jami Lula, Jojie Natividad, and Cindy Akana as if to support me personally. Yes, I was on the receiving end of a blessing bonanza...yee haw!

Later in the afternoon I attended a meeting called by the CSL Director of Music. He announced that he was resigning after 14 years of service to pursue his "Greater Good" of expanding his spiritual counseling business and leading workshops/doing speaking. I realized I was witnessing him stepping out in faith to pursue something that hadn't fully formed yet. What a powerful reminder that I was on the "right" path to my Good and to keep the courage to follow through whether or not I know what it will look like.

The wonderful, divinely inspired singer Margaret Owens acts and sings in the following video that reminds us of who we are. It starts off as her having the infamous parent/child meltdown but the song she sings afterwards could be a song one might sing to someone else or just listen for themselves. Margaret will be performing at The Center of Spiritual in Seattle on Aug 3oth. If you are in the area, give yourself a gift and go see her!



So, this weekend has the makings of a pivotal point in my path of remembrance. I've accepted the invitation to step out in courage to do the things that I need to which will allow the space for my Highest Good to manifest itself in my life. If there is anything going on in your life now that is calling you, whether it be whispering or screaming at you, I invite you to look at it. Sit with it for a bit and take the first step without waiting to figure it all out. Demonstrate what the act of Faith looks like. Go ahead, buckle up and be ready for your Highest Good to appear like the July 4th fireworks! It's your birthright!

Many blessings my fellow travelers!

Love,
Stephen

A Declaration of Independence

Tomorrow is July 4th and the day citizens of the US of A celebrate the Declaration of Independence. I started to think today about what my own personal Declaration of Independence would look like. My disclaimer is that it's more of a wishlist at this point but one has to begin somewhere.

One of the first things I think about is independence from anyone else for my happiness and security. When I think of a relationship I often imagine myself as a tall, solid tree (I know...here I go with the tree metaphors again...hey I live in the NW, ok!). I am standing next to another tall, solid tree. Our branches intertwine with each other and all sorts of life is supported by our interconnection. What is key is that we stand strong on our own and don't need each other to continue to exist. Our individual roots go deep and are fully formed. Our beauty is fully expressed individually. Our connection supports the higher good for both. Neither robs the other of their dignity or ever contributes to either feeling less.

I declare my independence from lack. I remember that the Universe is endless abundance. There is no "lack" in the mind of God. I commit to remembering this Truth when I'm feeling any kind of lack in finances, love, health, etc.

I declare my independence from anyone else's expectation of me. I commit to standing in my Truth and to not be swayed by others agenda.

I declare my independence from fear of failure. I remember that "failure" is a judgement and most likely one I have placed on myself as I'm my harshest critic. I remember that the act of trying is the gift whether I succeed or not.

I declare my independence from all that isn't supporting my "Highest Good", whatever that might be.

Another great video of acting and song by Margaret Owens. She wonders aloud why her neighbor doesn't make the choice to leave an abusive relationship all the while knowing that her own relationship isn't working. Margaret will be singing at The Center For Spiritual Living in Seattle on Aug 30th.



I'm sure there are other "declarations" I can make as I think about it more but this is a good start. This is the beginning of me seeking my good. I invite you to make your own list and pay attention to what comes up for you.

Happy Independence,
Stephen

Relaxing In The Midst of Chaos

So, the last post I wrote about was "Change - It Happens". This post is building upon that statement. The Universe is static so change is constant. Practicing the Buddhist concept of non-attachment is a priceless skill to master or at the very least to attempt. In this practice we are called to rest in the in-between state, the not knowing. I like to call it "sitting with it". I let it be and become like an observer. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings about it or try to squelch them. For example, if it's heartache, I let the ache happen, the tears flow, the nose run. At the same time I'm observing it and being gentle with myself. I try to lean into the fear, the dissappointment, the anger, the pain, the jealousy, whatever it may be instead of running away from it with some sort of addictive behavior. I've found that giving in to addictive behavior usually creates other things to deal with like a hangover for example. So, now I would have a horrendous headache on top of the raw emotions that never really went away! I am reminded that all the places where I don't feel good are actually an opportunity for growth (ok...no eye rolling!). I have to remind myself that reaching one's limit is not a punishment as I don't believe in a punishing God. Instead, I remember it's an opportunity for surrender, to face our fears, our "demons" and stop struggling. The saying "What you resist, persists" would apply here. I often visualize something I felt as a young boy when I was body surfing in the ocean. I saw where I could choose to rest calmly on the sandy ocean floor as the waves were beginning to churn above me much like a "stormy sea" metaphor or I could get caught up in the fray and quite possibly have the waves engulf me and slam me to the shoreline. I remember just lying on the floor of the ocean pondering that thought. So, as chaos shows up I choose to rest calmly on the "ocean floor" instead of the sea of turmoil above me. I'm not always successful but I keep practicing.

Here's another video from one of my favorite inspirational singers, Margaret Owens. This is from her "Seeking My Good" series. She starts the video discussing the uncomfortable task of divorce logistics with her soon to be ex-husband. The song she sings next is a beautiful illustration of going within, facing the fears, and trusting. For people that are in the Seattle area, Margaret will be performing at The Center of Spiritual Living in Seattle on Aug 30th.



As life's chaos shows up in your life...and it will unless you're an ascended master of sorts, practice sitting with the uncomfortableness, surrender to the feelings of fear, anger, sadness, jealousy, whatever. By surrender I don't mean act on them. I mean just allow yourself to feel and observe yourself as you are feeling them. The more you do this you may just see that they hold less and less power in your life which frees you to be more content and access the Love you desire. I am doing the same.

A poem by Rumi:

"One went to the door of the Beloved and
knocked. A voice asked, 'Who is there?'
He answered, 'It is I.'
The voice said, 'There is no room for Me and Thee.'
The door was shut.

After a year of solitude and deprivation he returned and knocked.
A voice from within asked, 'Who is there?'
The man said, 'It is Thee.'
The door was opened for him."


Honoring your courage and holding Loving Kindness for all,
Stephen

Change - It Happens!

I hear this statement a lot. If one asks me if I agree with it I will say yes without blinking. Now, if the question is "How do you react to change in your life?"...well, I have to think about that one. I think about in what areas of my life am I resistant to change and then ask myself why.

I grew up as an Army brat from the age of three. I moved constantly until I was 21 years of age. The experience afforded me a lot of gifts such as visiting other places in the world, meeting people from other states/countries, learning different customs/languages, eating different foods, making new friends, etc. Generally, I learned the art of adapting. I adapted to change. I expected it in my life. What I didn't realize was I ended up closing myself off intimately from others. This was especially true in situations of intimacy with a friend or a lover. I was unconsciously protecting myself from being hurt as the signals in my brain told me "things change" from living a life of constant "uprooting". I let people get to know me and I them but there was always something I kept to myself and wouldn't let anyone in to touch it. About six years ago someone very close to me shared with me his observation that I had a lot of people who thought they knew me but hardly any close friends that I could turn to in times of trouble, He commented how sad he felt it was. At first, I was in denial, strenuously trying to prove him wrong. I failed miserably at making my case. Eventually, I began to ponder how I could be known by so many yet not really "known" at all. As I sat with this new found "rawness" I realized I was the common denominator. I was responsible for my experience. I remembered my life traveling around and how that felt. I began to desperately think of any times I really let someone in. I realized that there were a couple times in my life where I had. It felt so good and a tad bit scary when it happened. Then I remembered how the rest of it began to unravel and thought about why. What I realized was to the degree I was opening up to someone was the degree of attachment I was feeling. The attachment became so strong that as the relationship changed I found it nearly impossible to adjust. The attachment trumped all the years I spent adapting growing up. It's as if the pendulum swung completely the other way.

I still deal with attachment issues today although I'm quicker to realize them as they began to show up than I was six years ago. I have some great friends that don't hesitate to remind me and I'm thankful! For me, I do meditations, visioning, prayer, and ask for prayer support. Asking for support was a big step for me but really opened the doors to greater, deeper connections with people. I took myself to a therapist who I worked with for almost a year. Man, I didn't know how much this boy could cry! I used to make bets with myself that I wouldn't "lose" it in the next session. At the time, I felt so much attachment to someone I thought I would break. I now know that attachment is the stumbling block when adapting to change in one's life. We can be attached to so many things; a person, a place, a job, a thing, etc. Many times we don't even realize how much we are attached. I often think of a strong, tall tree that has mastered the ability to sway with the winds of change whether it be a slight breeze or a full on storm. If this stately tree had not learned to bend in the storms it surely would have snapped.

The following is a great video acted and sung by Margaret Owens . I was blessed with the opportunity to sing backup for her in October of 2008. This video portrays really well how attachment can show up in our lives. I love the song she sings reminding us all to live "Big"



So, the nature of the Universe is change, It happens all around us, every moment. Everything is static. I invite you to look at if you are feeling attachment to something and then ask yourself why? You might be surprised at what comes up. I know I have been and still sometimes am. Most importantly, remember to love yourself through the process. Give yourself props! It takes courage to look at one's self.

Honoring your path,
Stephen